The journey of gestational surrogacy is life changing for both the intended parent(s) and the surrogate. From the medical to the physical and emotional sides and everything in between, there is going to be changes and it is going to have an absolute presence within the process. Even with that in the back of your head, one can never fully prepare for change or see all the ways that change can look like.

That includes what a post-birth surrogacy relationship looks like.

All pathways will lead to this, and sometimes you can have the forethought to add the framework for how this relationship will function within the surrogacy contract. However, as many of us know, it’s all the way natural for any relationship to have its own flow that we won’t truly understand until we are in it. So, the notion of trying to develop a “perfect” way to approach a post-birth relationship with your surrogacy shouldn’t be given that much space, as every relationship can function differently.

As it is up to you as the intended parent(s) to decide what and how that post-birth relationship will function, it doesn’t mean having some of the possible ways jotted out for you couldn’t be helpful, and we got that for you.

Growing the Relationship

Throughout the pregnancy, the intended parent(s) and surrogate have both worked closely as a unit to make sure that the baby is taken care of until birth; being present for appointments, sharing in the excitement and the joy of what this future baby can bring, and also making sure that the primary needs of the surrogate are taken care of. It would absolutely be reasonable to understand that this could start the makings of a rare relationship. Once the baby is born, it is also understandable that when the focus shifts from the surrogate to the newborn, no matter how expected it is, it can bring about a lot of feelings from everyone involved and those feelings are valid.

If everyone has the desire to remain in each other’s lives post-birth, then you have the right to do it. It is important that everyone exercises open and honest communication and what are the boundaries going forward?

The relationship is entering a new phase and that shift needs to be handled with respect and care. To grow this relationship will take equal involvement, so ask yourselves if having set times each week for either in-person or online will help in the maintaining the relationship, and have space for that change depending on life changes.

Reducing the Relationship

There is also the decision that even if the intended parent(s) and surrogate developed a close relationship throughout the pregnancy, you both made the choice to part ways but want to do it in a way that doesn’t feel abrupt and hurtful. This pathway is possible as well. A natural reduction of communication and contact over time can help lessen but also still grant the ability to hold space in remembrance of the relationship by occasionally giving updates, photos, or whatever feels right for where the relationship is at that moment.

It may seem like this possible pathway is callous, but this decision can be reframe as respecting the journey that everyone shared together, and respecting that both the parent(s) and the surrogate have chose to go forward in entering a new part of their lives that requires a level of independence as its foundation.

Ending the Relationship

No matter how possible the ability for the intended parent(s) and gestational surrogate may become close throughout the pregnancy, at the beginning of this journey both parties may want to treat this as a relationship of a simple design. Communications for everyone can be handled in a formal way by surrogacy advocates and/or lawyers.

A post-birth relationship in this matter can maintain that no-contact functionality with the option to occasionally give updates or photos if that feels right. This isn’t as cold as it may seem, just like in the need to downgrade the relationship, everyone is entitled to having or maintaining a sense of independence that will give them security in the process.

The Important Bits

Having support in this decision by the way of friends, family, and chosen family can help. While you as the intended parent(s) will make the choice, looping in your support system can give you the opportunity to see new angles or simply just have the ease that you have their emotional support in your choice and what happens after it has been made.

Whichever way you choose to approach a post-birth relationship with your gestational surrogate, communication should be first and foremost. Relationships, no matter how you decide to label them, only work if both sides are given respect for each person’s autonomy, honesty about your emotions and boundaries as well as any changes to those aspects throughout the surrogacy journey.